It occurs to me, in this sixty-fourth year of my life, that only now have I begun to respond to my life. My past life has been a long, paralyzing series of reactions. Reactions being that which is instantaneous, requiring little thought, 99% of the time wrong or off-base, straight out of default mode, and mostly based on what I've always done (which was typically what someone else told me should be done).
Reactions are so deeply entrenched in me that I have to remind myself that they are only a habit and can be changed. Changing habits requires going through a process, and the process begins by simply noticing. No judging allowed. Judging myself is another habit and it's mostly reaction, so I'm working on that at the same time.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Reflections: Childhood Dreams
Reflections: Childhood Dreams
When I first saw this title on Helium (a site for writers to post articles on specific titles), I had flashes of nighttime dreams from my childhood. Reading some of the articles under this title, it was apparent most others took it to mean career and other future-directed dreams. Well, the fun thing about writing for Helium is that you can take an article any direction you choose, so that's what I did.
My rating for Childhood Dreams settled in quite soon at 7 out of 10 (all articles start at one above the middle of the pack, which would have been 6 of 10). Today, as I browsed through my 170+ articles, there it was -- a dream come true! Reflections: Childhood Dreams is now rated 1 of 10. It may not stay there, but for the moment, it feels really good to know that someone (or some someones) liked the way I wrote and, hopefully, what I wrote.
Going back to read articles months after they've been written is always a surprise. There's the occasional: "Did I write that?" And, "Wow, I said that?" I like being surprised, especially by and about myself. Click here if you'd like to read the article. If you decide to read it, I'd like to hear your reaction -- to the writing style and to the content.
When I first saw this title on Helium (a site for writers to post articles on specific titles), I had flashes of nighttime dreams from my childhood. Reading some of the articles under this title, it was apparent most others took it to mean career and other future-directed dreams. Well, the fun thing about writing for Helium is that you can take an article any direction you choose, so that's what I did.
My rating for Childhood Dreams settled in quite soon at 7 out of 10 (all articles start at one above the middle of the pack, which would have been 6 of 10). Today, as I browsed through my 170+ articles, there it was -- a dream come true! Reflections: Childhood Dreams is now rated 1 of 10. It may not stay there, but for the moment, it feels really good to know that someone (or some someones) liked the way I wrote and, hopefully, what I wrote.
Going back to read articles months after they've been written is always a surprise. There's the occasional: "Did I write that?" And, "Wow, I said that?" I like being surprised, especially by and about myself. Click here if you'd like to read the article. If you decide to read it, I'd like to hear your reaction -- to the writing style and to the content.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
More rediscovered thoughts
Recently I shared random thoughts from my journals written in the 1990s. As I continue to read my journals, then and more recently, some entries strike me as worth keeping. Why? I don't know. Just that for me, they have relevance and importance. I want them to remain within reach.
Where is this new sense of contentment coming from?
Dreamed of my mother. Dreamed of high white winter boots with high chunky heels
Yesterday, fears of a gradual decline, inevitable demise. What I fear most is a premature demise, mostly suffocation. (At the time I had this thought I had been diagnosed with a life-threatening illness. I recovered, as you can see.)
My poor body—all this synthetic crap stepping in, assaulting, invading and, I hope, helping. (This is about the meds prescribed for my illness. I was not used to medication; rarely took anything prior to this situation.)
Last conversation with my coach I made a commitment to carefully check appointments before making promises. Two times forgot; worked out okay. Then forgot next time but remember immediately after said Yes and checked calendar. Fourth instance, started to react; instead responded: ”Let me check my calendar.”
A fear is a thought... a thought can be changed. (...is under your jurisdiction)
Don’t seek profoundness; avoid procrastination and mulling myself and my thoughts into distress.
I get a routine in my life, and then something explodes it!
I don’t have to look for the perfection. Just know that it is there. Each piece belongs in the puzzle. Life is a huge puzzle – one in a box with no cover, so we can’t see what the final picture will look like.
Where is this new sense of contentment coming from?
Dreamed of my mother. Dreamed of high white winter boots with high chunky heels
Yesterday, fears of a gradual decline, inevitable demise. What I fear most is a premature demise, mostly suffocation. (At the time I had this thought I had been diagnosed with a life-threatening illness. I recovered, as you can see.)
My poor body—all this synthetic crap stepping in, assaulting, invading and, I hope, helping. (This is about the meds prescribed for my illness. I was not used to medication; rarely took anything prior to this situation.)
Last conversation with my coach I made a commitment to carefully check appointments before making promises. Two times forgot; worked out okay. Then forgot next time but remember immediately after said Yes and checked calendar. Fourth instance, started to react; instead responded: ”Let me check my calendar.”
A fear is a thought... a thought can be changed. (...is under your jurisdiction)
Don’t seek profoundness; avoid procrastination and mulling myself and my thoughts into distress.
I get a routine in my life, and then something explodes it!
I don’t have to look for the perfection. Just know that it is there. Each piece belongs in the puzzle. Life is a huge puzzle – one in a box with no cover, so we can’t see what the final picture will look like.
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